Dealing With The Defiant Child

Learning to deal with the defiant child isn’t easy or quick, or even very satisfying for most people, at least during the initial stages.  It’s frustrating, tiring work trying to understand what happened, and trying to learn how to cope—and hopefully not just cope, but set things back on an even keel, and reclaim the pleasant, cooperative, respectful child you used to know.

You knew that as your child moved into adolescence, things would change, but still, the change in your child has created a tense and difficult situation in your home.  It’s a nightmare for you, and a nightmare for him, and neither of you seem able to come to grips with it.  There’s no communication.  Your teen thinks you don’t know anything and don’t understand anything.  He’s disrespectful and sarcastic—maybe even aggressive– or he may be sullen and withdrawn.  He won’t abide by your rules, and has become defiant.  He may even have been labeled as having Oppositional Defiant Disorder, or in more extreme cases, Conduct Disorder.

Some  of what’s happened is simply part of the normal developmental stages that children go through as they mature.  As your child becomes an adolescent, he needs to learn to think for himself, make his own decisions, figure out where the boundaries are, and so forth.  As part of that process, he needs to separate emotionally from his parents, at least to some degree.  For some children, this process is more difficult and painful than for most.

There are two schools of thought about this.  Some professionals feel that the defiant child is reacting to negative interactions, current or past, in the family.  This is often seen where a parent is remote or emotionally unavailable, and/or is overly punitive.  Others believe that, for unknown reasons, the child never successfully got through the negative behavior phase that most children evidence in their second year.  The child is somehow stuck in that “terrible twos” phase of emotional development.

The question is:  what do you do about it?

First of all, recognize that very often, there is something else going on.  A majority of angry, defiant adolescents have either ADHD or a mood disorder such as depression, anxiety, or even bipolar disorder underlying the anger.  Or there could be some conflict or issue at school or with peers that the child can’t deal with on his own, but he doesn’t feel that he can talk to you about it.  It’s important to have a thorough evaluation done, so that you are aware of all the issues.  It’s important that you make it safe for the child to disclose underlying issues to you or to the clinician doing the evaluation.

Secondly, be aware that a large part of the solution will be your willingness to make some changes yourself.  It’s not only your child’s problem.  It’s your problem, too, and the family’s. Whatever the causes, the negative behavior is in part a rebellion against your parenting style.  If you can learn some new skills and behaviors at the same time your teenager is, things will go much better.

Most experts think that Parent Management Training (PMT) is the most effective method of dealing with the defiant child.  The parents are taught to look for reasons to praise and reward the child, rather than always noticing the negative behaviors.  They are taught not to think they have to fight and win each and every battle, and not to be overly punitive.  They learn to let the child learn as a result of natural and logical consequences.

You can learn a lot more about dealing with an angry teen at  No Nonsense Parenting You’ll learn how to discipline without guilt, how to handle disrespect without yelling, how to stay sane, and how to bring peace back to your home.

Especially if ADHD is involved, medication can be helpful.  One recent study found Ritalin to be very effective in reducing or eliminating defiant behavior where the defiance was accompanied by ADHD.

Individual therapy doesn’t often seem to be very useful, although family therapy sometimes is.

In extreme cases, residential or therapeutic boarding schools can accomplish huge turnarounds.

While it may sometimes seem way too difficult, and even hopeless, there is help available in most cases.  The fact that you’re reading this indicates that you’re open to learning about and doing something about the situation.  Also, remember that no matter how dark the picture looks at the moment, most families do get through it, and most angry, defiant teenagers do grow up to be responsible adults.